When your Sibling is a Bully
photo by Matthew Septimus
There is a very popular HBO show, Succession, that tells the story of a family connected by greed and power. The siblings act out a deeply rooted complicated psychodrama where love and affection are displaced by power and control. The family elevates intimidation and character assassination into an artform. They even enjoy demeaning and denigrating the more vulnerable among them, with little glimmer of empathy or compassion. They are classic bullies, and no amount of luxurious excess can hide that fact. Because it is a TV show, there is a suspension of reality, and we are entertained. For many people, however, having a sibling who is a bully is a troubling reality.
During childhood, siblings compete for family resources (love, attention, food, video games, etc.) and it is not unusual for one of the siblings to be the more dominant. The child may be older, more demanding, difficult to control, or extremely needy. Learning to share is not easy, nor do they like to "lose". They are often the child with intense temper tantrums. These may all be indications of bullying behavior.
As the bully-sibling ages, however, there is an expectation that they will mature and grow out of their bullying habits, but sometimes that does not happen. The adult bully-sibling may continue to exhibit troubling patterns of bullying. In Succession, it was often the adult with the loudest and meanest voice- the biggest bully- that commanded authority and control, while the vulnerable members of the family were humiliated, demeaned, and displaced. Without flinching, the bully will inflict emotional trauma on others because it is in the service of their own needs. As a result, the bullied sibling's feelings are complicated and ambivalent. The bullied sibling may have a strong desire for a positive and healthy relationship with the bully-sibling, but that desire may not be reciprocated.
What can you do when you realize that your sibling is a bully? Unfortunately, the answer is not straightforward. You may already have tried everything you know to have a more respectful relationship. You may have tried to communicate and discuss issues in person or via texts, emails, and letters over the years. You may have been surprised at the intensity of their anger when you expressed a difference of opinion and been made to feel depressed, anxious, and resentful. There may be fear and anxiety of the bully fighting back, which brings us back to the characters in Succession, who never evolved emotionally. They did not learn the value of compassion and empathy. They are blind and deaf to the emotional wreckage that they leave in their wake. Managing such a relationship can be scary.
If you find yourself grappling with the emotional challenges that accompany feeling bullied by a sibling (or any other family member), talking with a professional or trusted adviser can be helpful. They can offer an objective perspective and strategies to cope with your feelings. Therapy offers the opportunity to step back and reflect on the complicated range of feelings that may color such a relationship.